I ate relatively well yesterday.  That is until I left for a rehearsal and craved a warm drink.  I fell back on a Tim Hortons French Vanilla.  I was on my Tylenol 3’s and feeling the pain in my neck once again.  The French Vanilla made my stomach upset until I went to bed.  The headache stayed as well.  Carol and I refer to the French Vanilla as an “FU” due to the way the staff will write “FV” on the cup with less of a point.  Well, I felt really FU’ed.  I will say today that I will no longer get French Vanillas.

This morning I felt better.  I got on the scales for the first time in a while.  As it started to settle around 237, I jumped off.  That’s not a good number.  Just a few years ago I was 20 lbs less.  I packed fruit and yogurt in a bag for snacks and lunch at work today.  No eating out.

 

When I was preparing for my role as Liam in the play Calendar Girls, the costume designer was taking my measurements.  She was very thorough, although she only needed my upper body as I could just where pants I already owned.  I leaned over and took this picture of her notes.  This is what I’m starting from.

To add to this, my leg length is 28″.  I look a bit like Bam Bam from the Flintstones.  To be realistic, I don’t think I can change that part unless I go all Gattaca.

Here are some great examples of what I have issue with:

My sunken ski slope chest with protruding basketball stomach and chin-neck (with Darth Vader at FanEXPO 2017)

One head tilt moves my entire cheek-neck over my shoulder.  Definitely more of a Elwood Blues thing going on. 
(on photography duty, on the beach in Marco Island, Florida)

I feel like I dominate the picture here.  The lines on the jacket and the wide pants show the shape of an unhealthy guy.  Note, I don’t actually drink much, especially hard liquor.  (Shooting a promotional video as Derek Spencer in Casting For Murder, Georgetown Little Theatre)

 

I’m large.  Not “super large”, but enough that if I try to get into the attic, I’m afraid that my waist or hips will be stuck there.  I recently bought a nice shirt only to find it was a slimmer fit around the waist, so that when I put it on, the chest and arms felt great!  But the belly area was tight.  So tight that the line of the buttons was distorted to the side like some bad Kardashian Photoshop job.

But it’s more than appearance.  My knees and feet hurt with increasing intensity.  A minute running – or walking fast – is always followed by three minutes of recovery.  I refer to my neck as a turkey neck.  It sometimes continues moving for a few seconds after I turn my head.  My shoulders and arms are weak.  They shake when they carry too much for too long.  Speaking of shaking, there’s also my nerves and blood pressure.  I get rapid changes and rounds of light headedness and weakness that holding a pen seems tedious.  The herniated discs in my neck are in part due to a lack of strength in my neck in shoulders.  The effects of that herniation are devastating.  With extreme sensitivity to light and sound – and pain – I cannot function.

Then there is the responsibility.  I am a father of three.  I am a poor example and sometimes even made fun of by my kids.  They are sometimes supportive too, but I would rather give them something to believe in than sad realities to settle on.  I have a full-time job and peers that see my sad physicality.  I have acted on stage, putting myself before hundreds of people for criticism.

I’m 47 in a couple of days.  I need to be accountable for myself.  Improve and prove.  Prove to myself, family and others that a person can be more than their current state.  Not for mere vanity but for the sake of the earth, life & love.