I’m large.  Not “super large”, but enough that if I try to get into the attic, I’m afraid that my waist or hips will be stuck there.  I recently bought a nice shirt only to find it was a slimmer fit around the waist, so that when I put it on, the chest and arms felt great!  But the belly area was tight.  So tight that the line of the buttons was distorted to the side like some bad Kardashian Photoshop job.

But it’s more than appearance.  My knees and feet hurt with increasing intensity.  A minute running – or walking fast – is always followed by three minutes of recovery.  I refer to my neck as a turkey neck.  It sometimes continues moving for a few seconds after I turn my head.  My shoulders and arms are weak.  They shake when they carry too much for too long.  Speaking of shaking, there’s also my nerves and blood pressure.  I get rapid changes and rounds of light headedness and weakness that holding a pen seems tedious.  The herniated discs in my neck are in part due to a lack of strength in my neck in shoulders.  The effects of that herniation are devastating.  With extreme sensitivity to light and sound – and pain – I cannot function.

Then there is the responsibility.  I am a father of three.  I am a poor example and sometimes even made fun of by my kids.  They are sometimes supportive too, but I would rather give them something to believe in than sad realities to settle on.  I have a full-time job and peers that see my sad physicality.  I have acted on stage, putting myself before hundreds of people for criticism.

I’m 47 in a couple of days.  I need to be accountable for myself.  Improve and prove.  Prove to myself, family and others that a person can be more than their current state.  Not for mere vanity but for the sake of the earth, life & love.